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Yasmin (Drospirenone, Ethinyl Estradiol)

I don’t know when I first started escaping into food. I remember blowing my allowance each week at the candy store on the way to school and hitting the cookie jar j came home to an empty house as early as the second grade.
I was not popular at school. I knew it was because I was fat, headstrong, outspoken, self-centered and inconsiderate. I knew j was an these things: my mother told me often Enough.
When I was lonely, food was my friend. It soothed and comforted me and filled the hole that was there when I felt unloved which was most of the time.
Notice I said “when I felt unloved,” not that I was unloved. It was many years, many pounds gained, lost and regained, many men — including a couple of husbands before I was to begin to learn the difference. I left home when I was barely seventeen after a blowup with my father. I felt he had turned on me and that without him on my side, life at home would be intolerable.
So began my long search for emotional security. If only I could find someone to love me, life would be beautiful. I had discovered alcohol during my senior year in high school. Miraculously, the weight came off. I made friends; I even dated a little. For the first time in my life I experienced a sense of belonging. At eighteen I joined the Air Force. My consumption of alcohol, which had been negligible, hit what was for me an alltime high. I never liked feeling drunk and out of control, yet I would chug-a-lug beer or down double shots of whiskey until I began to feel the effect. Then I would head for the food to sober up before going to bed. Eventually I eliminated the “middleman.” Food gave me what alcohol could not: a sense of being satiated yet still “in control.”
I thought being married would be a guarantee against loneliness, so at nineteen I married the first man who would have me. By the time our daughter was born a year and a half later, I weighed 178 pounds. All my rosy dreams had been shattered and I was miserable.
The next six years were filled with self-doubt. First my mother and now my husband told me how inadequate and difficult to live with I was.
Through great determination and strenuous effort I lost weight and when my second child, a boy, was seventeen months old, I left my husband.
Soon the old doubts and fears returned and with them all my lost weight. I was alone and desperate in a strange city, with no job, no friends and two small children to support.
Day after day I answered ads with the same result: nothing. I was too big to fit into a waitress uniform, my typing was poor and no one wanted an elephant for a receptionist.
Pressed to lose weight, I joined a health spa, only to give it up as hopeless two weeks later. I was tired of fighting; I finally accepted myself as I was — fat.
A few days later I read an article about Overeaters Anonymous. I went to a meeting, not with hope for myself, but for my daughter who was clearly following in my footsteps.
That was almost three years ago. Through the fellowship of OA and constant effort in working the twelve steps of our program, I have begun to accept and care for myself. With this has come the ability to love others unconditionally.
A short time ago I became aware that I have always been so preoccupied with my need for my mother’s acceptance that I never once thought of her need to be accepted by me. When I made an effort to change, our relationship improved dramatically.
I often have relapses into the kind of thinking that would have me believe I need one special person to love and accept me all the time. I still have times of fear and loneliness, but they are shorter and less frequent now. Instead of allowing them to last days or weeks, I find that I am able to reach out to someone almost immediately. When these feelings trigger an emotional “binge” I have been able to stop short and take an honest look at myself.
Today I am maintaining a weight loss of 75 pounds, and I have found within me a Power that can do for me what I could never do for myself.

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